I know that blogs are suppose to be full of happy and funny times. About your kids and what they do that make you laugh. All positive, especially near the holidays, but thats not all true in the life of Katie here. I figured that maybe if I write about it, maybe it will help me get through it. This ugly thing called Post Partumn. I thought I was scott free of it because it was past the time I had it with Layne. I was wrong.
For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about... You should throw your hands in the air and thank God he skipped you! Here are my experiences with this ugly monster, and maybe it will help at least ONE mom out there that is struggling with this. I HATE dealing with it by myself, so if I can help ONE, I have done my part!
After I had Layne (my 2 1/2 year old) I had no idea what was going to hit me. I breastfed him until he was 4 months. He was an early bloomer for teeth. Once he decided that my nipples were teething rings, I was done with that. About a week later, my mind went out on me. It was going 100 miles a minute. Very scary thing, if you have never experienced that! I was taking a shower to get ready for work and couldn't even handle that! I hurry and got ready hoping that when I got to work, my mind would slow down and I could focus on other things. When I got there, I broke down. I had to sit in the Assistant principals office for the morning, uncontrollably crying, not understanding what was wrong with me. I called my doctor and she knew right away what was wrong. She put in a prescription for Lexapro (antidepressant) to help me out. If you know me well enough, I HATE drugs! It takes a lot for me to even take cold meds when I am sick! But at the time of desperation, I figured anything that would help, I am up for. Of course, this is not something that takes effect right away. So my awesome principal told me to take the day off. Of course I couldn't be alone. It was too scary. So I called Steve and he came to my rescue. We went to see a funny movie (Role Models) and my mind and I calmed down. Very scary moment in my life. Now, for those of you that are like me and hate drugs. I stopped after a week of the Lexapro. Course it takes a couple weeks to take into effect, but I didn't want it in my system. I figured if God gave this to me, He knew I could "kick" it by myself. So what I did instead was go to counseling, ran every night (which was the best) and did lots and lots of Yoga. A combination of these did wonders, plus I got into great shape! Everytime I wanted to cry or had bad thoughts, I ran to the tredmill. Someone once told me that this girl had bad depression and ran lots. It finally got rid of it without medicine! I was all for that. Mine was gone after a couple months of my own "medicine" and I was my happy little self again.
Then came Laelynn. My little angel. Though I love her more than anything, this weekend I couldn't stand her. Couldn't hold her, couldn't hear her cry. It all made me feel like the WORST person alive! YOU MADE HER and YOU can't handle her? What's wrong with you? Then it all came flooding back. Like a dam had opened up and the flashbacks came popping up again. PPD reared its ugly head again. I knew it was coming, I just didn't want to believe it. Now , thank God, I have never gotten to the point where I wanted to hurt her, but I got VERY frustrated with her.
I woke up that morning with an anxiety attack. I then knew it was gonna be "that" kind of day. Couldn't bring any of the muscles in my mouth to smile or be happy what so ever. Scared the hell out of me. I knew I had to attack this in the butt before it got too bad. I hadn't told Steve yet, because he has been sick and I knew he didn't have the patience to deal with it right now. So I tried to keep it on the downlow. Bad idea, ALWAYS TELL THEM! At nap time, he left to go help my dad. Laelynn decided she wanted to test me and didn't take a nap AT ALL! He came into the room with me almost yelling at her to go to sleep. I handed her off and went and cried in the shower for about 45 minutes. All I kept thinking was what a horrible mother and who couldn't handle their own child!
Steve, feeling pretty shitty, didn't know what to do. Before she was born, I wrote him a nice long letter telling him what goes on through my head and about 100 things that would make me happy. You'd think he'd pull those out! I finally calmed myself down. I had a baby shower to get ready for (0r so I thought) and I wanted to bring Laelynn. My mind kept telling me it wasn't a good idea. I wasn't ready to be with her alone yet. But I was trying to keep strong for Steve and I told him I was fine. God works in crazy ways, because as Laelynn and I were pulling out of the driveway. I called Steve to have him check the invite one more time. It wasn't until the NEXT day! I felt a sigh of relief. I knew I shouldn't be taking her anywhere. So I brought her back in and went to Target to just "get out." I know what I need to do, run and some yoga. But I am still in the "slump" and can get myself to do it. I will before it gets too bad. You know what really makes me mad though! Even though most of you don't want to let anyone know what is going on with you, in the back of you mind, you just want your friends to see there is something wrong. But do they? Nope... and I am always there for them. I guess in the tough times, you really find out who your real friends are huH!? (Sorry there I go again!) As I am trying not to cry through the day, I keep thinking "This too will pass." Kind of like diarrhea.
This too will pass.
If you are one that is going through this horrible time and are keeping it too yourself! DON'T! Here are some great websites to get help! Call your doctor!
http://www.ehealthmd.com/library/depressionpregnancy/DPR_how.html
http://www.compleatmother.com/articles2/postpartumdepression.htm
http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/1653
http://www.yogasolara.com/yoga-alleviates-postpartum-depression-492/
Remember...
This too will pass!
(thats my daily moto!)
